Saturday, December 9, 2017

Obedient even when I am afraid

I have been reading a devotional with three other women and it has been a breath of fresh air. "I will be obedient" These words have been an echo that has been following me since 2013. I kept asking God to show me where the center of His will for my life was and I promised to be obedient.

So here I am, three and a half years in Guatemala and I'm still praying the same thing. There's this fear that has come and gone throughout this journey.

This morning's devotional was on Matthew 8:23-27. It's the story of Jesus sleeping on the boat and his disciples start to freak out because of the horrible storm. They disrupt Jesus' deep sleep and He responds by making a statement then asking a question, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" As I sat there reading the verse I had to ask myself the same question.

I'm praying and asking my Lord to lead me towards His will and help me not to stray away, yet I lack faith and there's fear of what the answer will be. My spirit, my soul wants to do the right thing and please Him. "I want you to be proud of me." is what usually comes out of me. Deep within me I know that no matter what I do His love will not change.

Soon there's an answer that I will be given regarding a prayer that has been put forth. Whatever the answer may be, I will be ready to obey Him through the storm.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Consuming Fire

"...for our “God is a consuming fire.”" Hebrew 12:29

Getting closer to my 3 year mark living in Guatemala and I have been contemplating many things about life, and purpose. 

I heard this scripture today as I was listening to this guy talk about The Spirit of Christ. Being Holy is not about going to church every week or "being good". It's about allowing myself to give of me over to Him and allow Him to to consume me. I don't know if that makes sense...I don't know if I even understand it.

So I went on a prayer walk and I realized that I allow things to consume me that only gratify temporary desires and wants and at the end of the day I feel empty and unfulfilled. 

I came to Guatemala to serve a purpose and I have been feeling like I have lost something very important...a spark, a light. I have lost that consuming fire. I think "lost" is not the correct word, because I don't think that we can lose something so beautiful and so good. I believe that I have put it away and not allowed it to take over has been replaced by "self".

I want to make changes and I am excited about them. I honestly do not know what exactly will happen, but I do want to be different. 

Some praise me for what I have done, but it's not for me. All of it is for my creator, my love, my LORD, my consuming fire. 

Friday, April 28, 2017

Sleepless nights

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalms 37:4

It's past midnight, I can't sleep so I decided to share what is on my mind tonight.

I finally posted something on social media that has been on my mind, thoughts and prayers; I want to move back to California. Once I put it out there for people to see I got scared and I started second guessing myself.

I thought that maybe people would look at me as if I had failed or did not complete a mission. Then a friend said something that gave me courage, "...remember it's your relationship with God no one else's..." (Thank you Shanelle).

This beautiful relationship has taken me places and been able to live a life that has been filled with joy, laughter, fear, leaps of faith, tears, courage, failures, etc. I do not have any regrets.

I have been volunteering at a local orphanage on Sunday's and I feel so happy doing this because of what I have been able to bring, but most importantly what it has created within me. This, my friend, is what holds me from leaving. However, I hear The Spirit saying, "I'm not finished"

What is keeping me up tonight? A simple thought that popped in my mind, that has been lingering for weeks, possibly months, but I have not entertained it as much as tonight. My heart desires to work with children with special needs once again. I worked for Apple Tree for 10 and a half years. I learned so much working for that company. It wasn't so much the place, it was the children I was able to serve. It challenged me and pushed me out of my comfort zone.

I work about 11 hours a day, 5 days a week to be able to pay bills and feed my cute cat so it is difficult to quit and do what I would like to do here. Opportunities here are scarce.

I started to think of the children I have worked with in the past and would like to do that once again. I will still be able to serve once again going to mexico for the Tecate trips (click here for info).

I will continue to pray for guidance and see where and when God will take me.
Our last speech therapy session